Wanting to cheat on your wife with a man doesn’t make you a bad person. It also doesn’t automatically mean you’re broken, confused, or doomed. What it does mean is that something inside you is asking for attention-and that’s not something to ignore, shame, or rush past.
Most people who feel this way don’t wake up one day and suddenly decide to cheat. It creeps in quietly. Maybe it started with a lingering glance at a coworker. Or a text that made your stomach flutter. Maybe it was a dream you didn’t tell anyone about. Or maybe you’ve been thinking about men in ways you never expected since you were a teenager, but buried it because you were married, religious, or afraid of what people would say.
Here’s the truth: attraction isn’t a choice. But acting on it is.
What does it mean if you’re attracted to men while married to a woman?
This isn’t about being gay or straight. It’s about being human. Many people discover new parts of themselves later in life. A man married to a woman for 15 years might suddenly feel drawn to another man-not because he’s unhappy with his wife, but because he’s finally allowing himself to feel something he’s spent decades suppressing.
Studies from the Kinsey Institute show that sexual orientation isn’t always fixed. People can experience shifts in attraction over time. That doesn’t mean you’re faking it. It means you’re evolving. And evolution doesn’t come with a rulebook.
Feeling attraction to men doesn’t erase your marriage. It doesn’t mean your wife isn’t good enough. It doesn’t mean you’re selfish. It just means you’re noticing something new about yourself. And that’s okay.
Why do people cheat? It’s rarely just about sex
Most affairs aren’t started because someone is sexually obsessed with the other person. They’re started because someone feels unseen, unheard, or unfulfilled. Sometimes that’s in the marriage. Sometimes it’s inside themselves.
If you’re thinking about cheating with a man, ask yourself: Is this about the man? Or is it about the version of you that feels free around him? The version who doesn’t have to hide? The version who doesn’t feel like he’s performing a role?
Many men in heterosexual marriages report feeling more emotionally connected to other men than to their wives-not because they want to have sex with them, but because they can be vulnerable with them. That connection can be mistaken for romantic or sexual attraction. But it’s often just loneliness dressed up as desire.
On the flip side, some men feel a genuine, deep sexual pull toward men. That’s not a phase. It’s not a mistake. It’s a part of who they are. And ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. It just makes it louder.
Is it normal to want to cheat? Yes. But normal doesn’t mean harmless
Normal? Yes. Millions of people feel attraction outside their marriage. The American Psychological Association estimates that 20-25% of married men have had an affair at some point. That’s one in five. You’re not alone.
But normal doesn’t mean it’s okay to act on it without consequences. Cheating breaks trust. It wounds people. It can end marriages. It can create lifelong guilt. And if you’re cheating with a man while married to a woman, you’re not just risking your relationship-you’re risking your sense of self.
There’s a difference between feeling something and doing something. Feeling attracted to a man doesn’t make you a cheater. Acting on it without honesty does.
What should you do instead of cheating?
Don’t rush into a decision. Don’t text someone. Don’t swipe on an app. Don’t make a move until you’ve done the hard work first.
- Reflect honestly. Are you attracted to men because you’re curious? Because you’re lonely? Because you’re afraid of being seen as gay? Because you’re tired of pretending? Write it down. Don’t judge it. Just name it.
- Talk to a therapist. Not just any therapist. One who specializes in sexuality, relationships, or LGBTQ+ issues. They won’t tell you what to do. They’ll help you understand why you feel this way. And that’s the first step to any real change.
- Consider your marriage. Is there something missing? Communication? Intimacy? Respect? Are you both stuck in roles that no longer fit? A marriage can change. But only if both people are willing to show up.
- Explore your identity. If you’re attracted to men, you don’t have to label yourself right now. But you can start reading. Listening to stories. Talking to men who’ve been where you are. You don’t need to act. You just need to know you’re not crazy for feeling this.
There’s no timeline. This isn’t a race. Some men spend years sitting with these feelings before they say anything to anyone. Others never tell their wives. And some leave. All of those paths are valid. But none of them should start with deception.
What if you’re scared to tell your wife?
That fear is real. And it’s not cowardice. It’s love. You care about her. You don’t want to hurt her. That matters.
But hiding your truth doesn’t protect her. It just delays the pain. And when it comes out-because it always does-it’ll come out in a way that’s worse. A text message. A late-night argument. A stranger who knows more than she does.
There’s no perfect way to tell her. But there are better ways than silence.
Start with: “I need to talk to you about something that’s been weighing on me. It’s not about you. It’s about me. And I’m scared to say it.”
Don’t blame her. Don’t say you’re unhappy. Don’t make it about her flaws. Say: “I’ve realized I’m attracted to men. I don’t know what this means yet. But I needed to tell you because I love you and I don’t want to lie.”
She might cry. She might scream. She might shut down. That’s not your fault. But it’s part of the process. And if you truly care about her, you owe her the truth-even if it breaks your heart.
What happens if you don’t act?
Some men stay married. They never cheat. They never come out. They live quiet lives. Some find peace. Others carry resentment. Some become experts at pretending.
There’s no right answer. But there is a cost to silence.
Every time you suppress a part of yourself, you shrink a little. You stop being the person you could be. You become a version of yourself that fits someone else’s expectations.
That’s not love. That’s survival.
And survival isn’t a life. It’s just a long pause between moments when you almost let yourself breathe.
You’re not broken. You’re becoming.
Wanting to cheat with a man doesn’t make you a monster. It doesn’t make you a failure. It doesn’t mean you’ve ruined your marriage.
It means you’re at a crossroads. And crossroads aren’t about choosing between right and wrong. They’re about choosing between who you’ve been-and who you could become.
You don’t have to decide today. But you do have to start asking the right questions. Not: "Am I normal?" But: "What do I need to be whole?"
And that question? That’s the only one that matters.
